Marriage Was Always the Plan for These African Men. Until It Wasn’t

The average African man is often assumed to want marriage, or at least that is the expectation many grow up with. For centuries, marriage has been positioned as one of adulthood’s defining milestones, a marker of success and fulfillment against which many men are quietly measured.

In many communities, that expectation begins early. Almost as soon as boys begin to come of age, they are handed an unwritten script of responsibility: become stable, provide, build a family. They are constantly sold the idea of its rewards, often far more than they are taught to reckon with its complexities.

And yet, I have a father who often reminds me that there was once a time he did not want to get married. I have male friends who say the same thing now. Men in my community speak about marriage with hesitation. There are men who see commitment as pressure and who want love, perhaps even companionship, but are unsure whether marriage is the way.

However, we live in a world that is constantly changing, and with those shifts come new ways of thinking, new priorities and evolving ideas of what society considers necessary or obligatory. For some men, their reasons for not wanting marriage are economic. For others, it’s emotional. Some men are held back by their distrust of the modern dating culture. Others question whether the institution of marriage gives space for individuality or mutual partnership.

For Bola, a Nigerian man working in the creative sector, marriage comes with pressure and that has pushed him away from wanting it.

“Honestly, as a Nigerian, marriage just doesn’t make sense to me anymore,” he says. “The sheer amount of pressure society puts on everyone to tie the knot is just draining. It’s like a scripted life everyone expects you to read from.”

Bola’s hesitation is not rooted in a single bad experience or even a rejection of love itself. Instead, it is tied to a growing discomfort with the expectations surrounding marriage and the version of adulthood it demands. He speaks about wanting a life shaped around personal freedom, individuality, and self-determination, things he worries marriage may eventually compromise.

“My dreams and wishes for my life are incredibly specific,” he says. “And even if you find someone whose goals align with yours right now, people change. I’m not willing to risk my future on that ‘what if.'”

His concerns are also deeply economic. In a country where inflation continues to reshape everyday survival, marriage can feel less like companionship and more like additional responsibility. According to historical inflation data from the World Bank and Nigeria’s National Bureau of Statistics, Nigeria’s inflation rate hit above 33 percent in 2024, significantly higher than 18 percent in 2005. By such measures, the widening gap between the cost of living today and that of two decades ago suggests that marriage in Nigeria is increasingly becoming a class game, more accessible to those with financial stability than those without.

Still, Nigeria is not alone. Across many parts of the continent, rising living costs and economic uncertainty are reshaping how men think about marriage.

For Ryan, a Beninese man, economic instability was initially the main reason marriage felt unrealistic. “I didn’t want to settle in this harsh economy,” he says. “A lot of men I know are like, ‘I’m not earning enough, how can I take care of a woman and a baby?'”

But even as financial stability became less of a concern for him personally, another fear replaced it: trust. Ryan describes modern dating culture as emotionally exhausting. It is shaped heavily by social media, hypersexualized entertainment, and what he sees as a growing inability to commit. According to him, many men are increasingly uncertain about long-term relationships, not because they do not desire connection, but because commitment now feels fragile and difficult to sustain.

“Some men are afraid to get into that trap,” he says, referring to cheating and dishonesty within relationships. “Social media and entertainment play a big role. People always want to try something else, someone else.”

But not every man shares the same economic and emotional sentiments as Bola or Ryan. Others, like Sig, just don’t want marriage.

Sig is a South African man who describes marriage as an outdated system that no longer reflects modern relationships. He questions whether the institution itself still holds meaning, particularly in societies where cultural practices such as lobola can make marriage feel financially performative as much as emotional.

“The African men that are getting married are doing it because they think it has merit,” he says. “They think throwing away a huge sum of money for lobola somehow makes them righteous.”

For context, lobola, a Southern African custom in which the groom’s family offers an agreed payment in cattle or cash to the bride’s family, has long shaped ideas of masculinity and adulthood. Beyond tradition, lobola often functions as a symbolic marker of responsibility. For many men, being able to pay it can feel affirming, proof that they are financially stable, serious enough to marry and capable of fulfilling the social expectations tied to manhood. In many ways, the practice can leave men feeling righteous, not necessarily in a moral sense, but in the belief that they have fulfilled an obligation expected of them by family, culture and society.

Sig is not opting out of this system because he believes he is better than it. Rather, he has asked difficult questions, sat with the answers and come to terms with the possibility that it is okay not to participate in a system that no longer aligns with his values or understanding of partnership.

Though their reasons differ, the men I spoke to repeatedly returned to one central feeling, which is exhaustion. Whether these concerns will permanently change marriage patterns across Africa remains unclear. Many African men still want to get married, and many continue to do so every year. But the conversations happening online and offline suggest that marriage is no longer being treated as an automatic life milestone by everyone.

For a growing number of men, it has become something to question, negotiate, delay, or even reject altogether. It’s less about marriage itself and more about how African masculinity, adulthood, and success are being redefined in a rapidly changing world.

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